Mama Confession: Motherhood Is Lonely
It’s hard to imagine how this can possibly be true when you’re with your little one 24/7.
How can your heart be so full, yet so empty at the same time? Like an important piece of you is missing?
Of all the emotions that you experience as a mother, loneliness can be the one that takes you most by surprise. It doesn’t feel intuitive as you’re literally never by yourself during newly minted motherhood — you have a new human by your side at all times.
And the most confusing part can be that the loneliness tends to strike when you least expect it...
When you’re feeling especially vulnerable and overwhelmed, that’s when it hits you...
When you feel like you’re alone in your experience and all these intense emotions just don’t subside.
When you see everyone else living the life that you desperately miss while you’re stuck at home, spit-up on your shirt, and a crying baby in your arms.
When you wish someone would reach out to you to ask how you’re doing.
When you realize that you have experienced a major life change that, as much as you tried, you could never truly feel fully ready for.
THAT is when loneliness creeps up.
And still, you’re not alone.
Just because you feel utterly by yourself in your fatigue and overwhelm, doesn’t mean that you have to struggle alone. And just because you have a new human attached to you these days doesn’t mean that you can’t feel isolated in your experience. Loneliness is not black and white.
This isn’t just limited to our first-time mothers, too. This goes for all mamas no matter where they are in their motherhood journey.
We’re here to remind you that your emotions are completely valid, and here’s why:
1. Your Time Is Limited
You’re just too tired to do what you love, but all you can think about is everything that you don’t seem to have time for. And that can be emotionally overwhelming.
Does this sound familiar?
Oftentimes, loneliness can be a side-effect of giving up your own priorities and putting your values and hobbies aside. When you don’t feel like you’re living in your truth or doing what makes you happy, you start to feel less like yourself. The less you feel like yourself, the more lonely your experience becomes.
Mama, while you might be feeling lost and alone right now, you will find your rhythm. You will establish routines that work for you, your baby, and everyone else in your circle. And you will feel like yourself again.
Just be mindful of your bad days — because we all have them — and allow yourself the time and space to process your feelings that might range from happiness to sadness or complete fulfillment to total loneliness. It’s important to not dismiss any feelings but to recognize them as information, and understand that the hard ones to feel are usually prominent signs that you are long overdue for much-needed support.
2. Constant Change
You deliver your baby and all of a sudden they become your whole world. You’ll spend most of that first year learning how to attend to their basic needs:
Changing diapers
Sleeping
Feedings
There’s very little interaction in the beginning; the baby can’t talk to you, and behavior, such as smiling and laughing, doesn’t start to develop until 4 months after birth… that’s a long time to wait for reciprocal engagement.
So of course you crave some adult interaction! You long for your independence and a social calendar that keeps you busy and fulfilled.
On the flip side, as your child gets older, your parenting role shifts. It becomes less about supporting them physically, and more about nurturing their sense of self.
As they get more independent, you’ll find that they need you less.
And while you celebrate each precious milestone, you’ll also discover a period of adjustment for yourself as every step to independence leads to grieving the total loss of dependence on you.
Sometimes you might just want time to stand still so that they can stay your baby for a little while longer.
As with all change, the transitions can potentially feed your overwhelm, make you question your own identity, and can contribute to your feelings of isolation.
3. Loss of Connection
Being the first of your friends to have a baby can be really exciting for everyone… at first.
Until you start to notice that they reach out to you less and less as the months go by.
For everyone else, nothing has changed. They still have their routines and the freedom to do what they want, when they want.
But for you, everything has changed.
And inevitably, you begin to wonder why...
They no longer include you.
It’s hard for them to understand why you can’t hang out whenever anymore.
You’re not getting a lot of offers for help.
No one is checking in on you.
You’re having a harder time connecting with your friends than you did before.
Unfortunately, thoughts such as these only exacerbate your feelings of loneliness as they further separate you from your friends, and they ignite resentment and envy towards the people you love.
It doesn’t sound like a pleasant way to feel or a nice way to perceive your beloved social circle, but it happens to the best of us. Feeling excluded and ostracized for being the first mama in the group has an enormous impact on your happiness.
4. The Pandemic Has Set Even More Limits
This goes without saying but the COVID-19 pandemic has made 2020 and 2021 among the longest and most transformative years in recent memory.
Any form of social connection has been limited to screens...and that sucks. As grateful as we can all be for technology, a friendly smile on a screen does not replace the feeling of a warm hug...
Or a soft touch after an emotionally draining day…
Or the presence of someone with whom you feel comfortable knowing that they’re there to help when you’re overwhelmed...
Motherhood was not meant to be done alone yet the pandemic has forced us to literally isolate and compromise one of the most important factors of postpartum healing: community support.
5. You’re Overwhelmed
One of the reasons why loneliness can take you by surprise is this:
Expectations versus reality.
You might be in the camp of mamas who spent years dreaming of becoming a mom.
You’re taken by surprise when:
You’re not immediately in love
You don’t like being a mom at first
You’re not loving every second
You don’t know what to do
You’re feeling more negative emotions than positive ones
And so, you begin to see yourself as the reason for this disconnect.
Maybe you even feel ashamed admitting to all of this.
This dissonance between the reality of your postpartum and what you’d hoped it would be, plus the pressure of “having it all together” can cause you to retreat into yourself and feel completely alone in your struggles.
Oh, and then throw in the conditions of the pandemic, and, ladies and gentlemen...you have the perfect recipe for burn-out!
Even though we’ve made vital strides in opening up the conversations on maternal mental health, there’s still much work left to be done.
Mothers don’t often tell anyone that they’re struggling because they don’t want to be seen as the “bad mom” or the mom who can’t seem to cope.
As a result, so many women just bottle it up, suffering in silence. Alone.
But there is help, mama.
A whole community of women who understand you.
You can find them on the social media of those dedicated to speaking truthfully about motherhood, in parent groups on FaceBook, and in Mommy and Me Classes.
And as always, we here at Bloome want you to know that you’ll always have our support in your corner, even when you’re feeling at your loneliest.
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Mama, if you’re feeling lonely, just know that you’re not alone.
You’re not failing.
It is not your fault.
You’re a good mom.
We invite you to follow us on Instagram to see the truth of motherhood. We have a solid community of wonderful mamas that understand exactly where you are and applaud you for seeking connection with others that get what you’re feeling.
By building a supportive network that not only knows what you’re going through but validates your experiences will help you feel less alone throughout your journey.