Mom-Shaming: What You Need To Know, and How We Can Do Better

Mama, have you noticed that we speak consistently about building strong connections within our motherhood tribe? A sense of community is so important in feeling supported and assured as a new mom. 

But what happens when we experience judgment in our own communities?  

The ugly truth is that mom-shaming happens more often than we care to admit, especially on social media. There’s something about hiding behind a screen that emboldens some people to be more brazen and careless with their words. Unfortunately, it’s the nature of the beast when you’re a part of the social sphere.   

And even though it’s normal, it doesn’t mean that it’s okay. People can be so cruel and unempathetic.

What some people, and even the media, don’t get is that there isn’t just a one-size-fits-all for motherhood. We each take care of our children in different ways that best serve our families. We follow our instincts and do what we believe to be right. It’s almost mind-boggling that living our own life and parenting in our own way should make us vulnerable to criticism and unwanted comments. 

Oh, what a great segue into what we’ve been talking about these last two weeks - what mamas are tired of hearing! (You can find part 1 and part 2 here.) 

A lot of what we discussed is related to judging and shaming. Let’s take a deeper dive into what mom-shaming really is, why it’s seriously impacting maternal mental health, and how we can be more mindful of what we say to others who are struggling.

What is Mom-Shaming?    

Put simply, Mom-shaming is when a mother is shamed, degraded, or bullied for their parental choices that are different from the “shamer’s” way of doing things with their own children.   

For example: “You’re bottle feeding? Formula isn’t good for your baby. You should be breastfeeding.”  

“Why are you bed-sharing? Your baby will never learn to sleep on their own.” 

Or the all-encompassing: “You’re doing it wrong.”  

Frankly, whether it happens privately or publicly, it’s unwelcome at best and damaging at worst. And unfortunately, it almost always starts with something completely innocent, like posting a picture of your baby in a carrier or your children running around in the sun.  

What starts out as a simple post suddenly becomes an invitation to openly comment on your abilities as a mother.  

Mom-shaming doesn’t even have to be vocalized to have harmful effects. If you’re breastfeeding in public, no matter what you do, you draw offended stares and furious whispers as if you’ve done something shameful and controversial instead of what it actually is: the most natural way to feed and nourish your child.

While we might understand how natural that is, we somehow still internalize those stares and maybe think twice about doing it again.  

It’s unfair.

And let’s not forget the infamous 2020. The pandemic has only worsened the frequency of mom-shaming as mothers try to balance remote learning, childcare, and careers within the same space. 

We just need to remember that being a mom is the toughest job in the world, and we’re all —at some point—  new to this. But at the same time, we’re also emerging as women who are resilient, strong, and courageous. We don’t need that type of unnecessary, negative energy to get in the way of our journey. 

How is Mom-Shaming Affecting Maternal Mental Health?   

We live in a world where social media dominates our daily lives. Instagram? Check. Facebook? Check. TikTok? Downloading it now. 

As mothers searching for a community, it only makes sense that we turn to these platforms to find connections because it’s so readily available to us. 

But what we find instead are picture-perfect portrayals of motherhood.  

No mess. 

No stress. 

No tears. 

Just perfection. 

When we compare that to our own situation, which may be as far from glamorous as humanly possible, we begin to ask ourselves if we’re doing something seriously wrong. 

Studies have shown that the pressure of trying to achieve “perfect” parenting causes an increased amount of stress, depression, and anxiety in mothers.  

This is likely because we’re feeling guilty about not meeting this fabled, golden standard that we’re exposed to around the clock. We feel flawed and unworthy.  

It’s such an intensely painful experience to feel as if we’ve failed ourselves and our babies. And this all because of someone else’s totally edited and very filtered picture.

Early motherhood is a fragile time and as such, a mother’s mental state is at its most vulnerable.  

Mamas living with Postpartum Depression or Anxiety already have heightened levels of powerful emotions that affect their day-to-day lives. To be shamed for their choices, especially when they’re already doubting their own capabilities, only escalates their feelings of hopelessness and deepens their personal struggles.   

As moms who don’t experience postpartum mood disorders —or moms who went through the darkness and came out even stronger —it is our responsibility to be aware of how mom-shaming is poisonous, so we can teach others to support parents rather than degrade them. 

We must, and will, do better in order to avoid negative health outcomes for our mothers.  

What Can We Do Instead?    

At some point, we’ve all been guilty of mom-shaming, even if we’ve never said it aloud or realized it was even happening. 

We just need to take a moment to pause and understand that everyone makes different choices as parents. And most importantly, there exists a justified reason behind every decision.  

So, how can we be more mindful of others and responsible with our words? 

Avoid Immediate Judgment  

The fact is that we just don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives. We can’t know what they’re secretly fighting, or what they’re going through.  

It’s so easy to judge others based on initial impressions, and oftentimes our judgments are towards things that go against our own beliefs.   

But as much as we want one, a manual for motherhood doesn’t exist. There is no “right” way to do it. 

So, we do the best we can and learn as we go.  

We actually even learn the most from each other.  We must always foster these relationships to continue growing as mothers.  

Support Other Moms  

It’s time to rally behind other mamas peeling back the green curtain and revealing the intimate and ugly side of motherhood. We are with you, mama!  

If you’re looking for more real, empowering postpartum social accounts to follow, we’ve compiled a list of our favorites here:

It takes a huge amount of courage to put some of our most vulnerable moments on full display for everyone to see.  

And the more we show our support for the real and the raw, the more we’ll all feel empowered to speak about maternal mental health and why it deserves attention.  

Perhaps (*fingers crossed*) that might even lessen the number of judgments moms face so often. 

So how can we work on this? How can we build moms up rather than tear them down? Instead of commenting on how they can improve —and what you think they’re doing wrong — just ask what you can do to help. 

What do they need? 

What wisdom can you share that will lift them up instead of bringing them down? 

No one knows better than us what we’re going through. 

Be Compassionate   

Our journeys are not the same. Motherhood looks different for all of us.  

Some mothers adapt quickly, naturally fitting into the role. 

Others struggle with the transition, surprised by the intensity of their emotions and overwhelmed by all the changes.  

It’s okay for both to exist. Neither one is “wrong”.  It just means we’re human and so very complicated. We all have bad days, but the good ones always make up for it. 

When speaking to mothers, we must always keep in mind that we’re all just trying to figure this out together.

Keep It To Yourself  

It’s cliche, but it’s true. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Honestly, it’s probably one of the easiest things you can do. 

Holding back may just save someone from more heartache.  

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Mama, if you’re here reading our blogs, something has deeply resonated with you. But most importantly, we’re so glad that you recognize that every aspect of motherhood is so damn hard. 

We can’t say it enough: you are not alone.  

We know how tired you are. 

We know you don’t feel like yourself anymore. 

We know that you feel you just need help, but it seems so out of reach.

We understand.  

Our community is growing, and we have so much to give you. We want nothing more than for you to thrive in motherhood.  

You deserve this chance. 

Sign up for our email list to get the resources you need. It’s just at your fingertips, mama.